What to do when a pet dies: the first day

Most people have never had to do this before and are doing it while crying. Here is the order of it, plainly.

If it happens at the vet

The practical decisions are usually asked of you that day, sometimes within minutes, and it is fair to ask for a moment before answering. You will be offered, in some form:

• Communal cremation — they are cremated with other animals and you do not receive ashes back. The cheapest option and a perfectly good one.
• Individual cremation — you get their ashes back, usually in a week or two, in a simple container or one you choose.
• Taking them home, to bury or to arrange something yourself.

You can also ask for a paw print or a clipping of fur — something you can hold. Many clinics offer this and many people who declined it wish afterwards that they had not. It costs little and you can throw it away later if it turns out you do not want it.

You are allowed to sit with them. For as long as you need, in the room, alone. Say so if nobody offers.

If it happens at home

Ring the vet, even out of hours — they will tell you what to do and can usually collect. If it is overnight, your animal can stay where they are until morning; there is no urgency and no harm.

If you are burying at home, check the rules where you live — most places allow it on your own property with conditions about depth and distance from water. Deeper than feels necessary, and somewhere you are not going to move house away from in six months, is the usual advice.

In the days after

• Tell the vet if you have not already, so you are not sent a vaccination reminder in three months. This is a small thing that hurts a lot, and one phone call prevents it.
• Cancel the insurance, and the food subscription, and the groomer.
• Do not rush the bowls and the bed. There is no prize for clearing them by Tuesday. Put them in a cupboard if seeing them is too much, and decide later.

The thing people are surprised by

How physical it is. Their absence in a room, at four o'clock, at the sound of the gate. This is not you being dramatic about an animal — it is fourteen years of small daily rituals, all ending on the same day.

Be unhurried with yourself. And when you want to, put the photographs and the small details somewhere they will keep — the free tribute writer helps with the words, and a page for them holds the story and lets the other people who loved them add a memory. It does not have to be made today. It will be there when you are ready.